Anger and whys....

Oh yes, the anger and the why's. They are both so ugly, complicated and eluding, and yet such an intrical portion of the life of an addicts wife.

I am angry today. Really angry. I look around at my neighbors and read my friend's blogs and it fills me with anger. I KNOW they all struggle with trials. I know this. But does that knowledge help me feel less akward or angry? No. Especially today. I mowed my lawn by myself. Just like I have for the last 4 years. I waved at my neighbor's husbands as they mowed as well. I was called by the Elder's Quorum President, because now that my husband is no longer in the home, I need new home teachers. "Can they come by and talk with me? Fulfill any needs I may have? " I want to say Heck yeah! And bring your lawnmower! But pride gets me. If my husband had surgery or had died I would have no problems being the ward service project. He is just an addict who is too depressed to take care of us. And it makes me angry. I chose very carefully a man who was driven, educated, and spiritual to marry. I married a man who on my 21st birthday, two months before we were married, bought me new scriptures with my new name on them. And wrote his testimony in the front. And now I have a husband who sneaks out of church meetings or doesn't go at all. The third year we were married he left me at home having a miscarriage because he couldn't stand not going to see the Priesthood session of confrence. And now? I feel cheated. Like I bought a bag of M&M's and got home to open them up and find they are beans!!! (I know....MAJOR disappointment and deception!) I also know that Addiction is a disease. I know that there was really no way to escape it. He has had >28 surgeries in our 10 years of marriage. He is not the only addict in his family so there is obviously a genetic disposition. His brain has been physically altered because of this disease. He is not in control of his actions much of the time. I have been told this. I know it. I am still angry. I am angry that he makes any decision that he finds self-serving and I suffer the consequences of it. We have lost a house and are the brink of bankruptcy. Our credit is laughable. I field the phone calls and try to find solutions. He seems unable to handle any of it. Yet he is still able to dig us a little deeper. His name is no longer on a bank account at all. And I sleep with the keys in my pillowcase so he can't sneak out. I am the jailer, his mother, his maid, and his punisher. All I wanted to be was his companion, his wife, and his friend.

Hand in hand with the anger are the whys. They go together. (Just like that Grease song. Did you sing it in your head too?) Oh they whys will get you every time. Why him? He was such a great man. Loving, kind, he's never even raised his voice to me or dreamed of calling me a name! He was smart and funny, the life of the party. He was a great dad, played with our babies and changed diapers. Why him? Why this? Why can't he get it together? Why can't I find anything that helps? Why does he do things that humiliate me? Why does he use and steal from my parents? Why doesn't he help me? Why does it seem that I don't even appear on his list of priorities anymore? WHY WHY WHY.

Ugh. I have worked through all these feeling before. I have knowledge and have been educated about addiction. We have been living this for 6 years. It's not our first rodeo. These feeling come back time and time again. They are the trial of the wife of an addict.

And I forgot lying.....oh but lying deserves a post of it's very own.

Enough bitterness from me tonight. I need to have a hot bubble bath and climb into clean sheets.

Broken hearted

If nothing else, I am for sure broken hearted. I kicked my husband out today. I have begun to make arrangements to live as a single mother. So many things about this decision bring me hope. And relief. I cannot physically do everything there is to do. I work full time and I cannot work outside the home, meals, laundry, homework, cleaning, etc. I am worn out. If he were gone it would cut my work load in half. Everything he touches breaks and he is constantly spilling, dropping things, and cannot put anything away. I feel like I am his maid. Another big thing in this corner is that the effects of living with a drug addict are taking their toll on my children. They are confused about lying. Is it okay? Is it not? There is a bit of fascination about medicines. They are fearful of being left with him. And now scared of police from a traffic stop incident. When I am work, they aren't fed, they fend for themselves. He yells at them and they call me crying. Everyday for the last two weeks.

Also, and this is perhaps the second biggest reason I need to move on is the lying. I have been lied to, to my face, every day for the last 4 years. By the person who is supposed to love me the most. Who will insist on his love for me if you just ask him. He just doesn't show it. He lies, and he steals money from me. He makes up stories and tells half truths. I am constantly playing detective, and I never wanted another job.

But to walk away breaks my heart. And I wonder if I am strong enough to actually do it. Part of me is still so in love with the man I married and to walk away from the monster feels like giving up on him. I vowed to stay. I vowed to always be on his team and to always try. And now I want to walk away. And the thought of it brings actual pain to my chest. And tears to my eyes. I don't want to leave. I don't want to do it on my own. I don't want someone else. I want my husband. I desperately need him. My heart aches for him. But I can't find him. I've been looking really closely, and I can't see him in there anymore. I'm not sure if that means he's gone forever or not. What if I leave and he comes back? What if I stay and he doesn't? There are no right answers and I feel so alone. And yet it's my responsibility to make one. I just want to scream! I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I want ... I don't know. I am so lost and so alone I don't know anything anymore. I just ache.