Gladly.

This morning I was awakened by a call from my visiting teaching companion and friend.

She said "I need some help.  I was trying to get a spaghetti sauce recipe in the crockpot, but I can't do it."

I put my shoes and my bra on, walked to the peach tree and picked the four biggest most beautiful peaches I have ever seen, and got in the car.  When I walked through her front door she was lying on the floor in between the kitchen and the dining room.  Next to her was an empty bowl. 

She's dying of cancer.  We are the same age, she has three kids from 11-5 years old. 

I knelt down beside her and we chatted for a minute.  I took the recipe out of her hand and we talked about this and that as I continued in her kitchen where she had left off. 

After awhile, I noticed she had some over ripe bananas so I started some banana bread. She walked me through making her a green shake of some sort and then she began to feel a bit better.  When she stood up, she walked over to me and wrapped her arms around me.

She thanked me for coming and then, she began to sob.  She expressed her frustration and sadness.

I held this very thin, very frail, woman in my arms for 4-5 minutes, and I was struck.

Here was a woman I love, and my heart aches for her.  There isn't anything I wouldn't do for her.  And then I had the though...

There are some people who lay in bed at night, willing to do ANY trial for the chance to see their children grow up.

I was overcome with gratitude for my life, my trials, and my opportunity to mother my children.  I was grateful for the opportunity to slice peaches into her childrens cereal bowls and feed her dog.

I'll take my trials gladly. 

My world in the light

I thought about unposting what I wrote last night. I have decided against it. I think it's important to post the dark posts because lets face it, that's usually the place we are in when we sit at our computers at 2 am googling addiction. It's usually after a painfully hard day. When we feel defeated. And as wives of addicts, we often ride the roller coaster without the bonus of being drugged numb. With a checked out spouse the weight rest heavily upon our shoulders. Everyday. I have often felt the dreariness of pain that comes as a result of a decision I did not make. And when our companion is robbed of every ability to cope or even manage himself, everything becomes our responsibility. And some nights are dark and heavy. The glorious thing is that the hopelessness of those dark nights are usually brightened by the morning sun. Am I still responsible for the same life I had last night? Yes. Do I have a pretty good grasp on it? Yes. I can do it all, and do it all pretty well too. Sometimes, you just have to wait for the sun to rise.

My world in the dark.

I feel defeated. Like no matter what I do or how hard I try to be everything and do enough, I never quite make it. I am only capable of good enough. Do I work? Yeah, full time, but I don't do it as well as my mom did, and I make mistakes and my heart really isn't in it. Do I mother my kids? Yeah, but I don't play with them and I don't want to bother with them more often than I even want to admit. Am I a good daughter/ granddaughter? I love my parents and I see them often, but I don't HELP them, and my grandma who can't remember my name because she has dementia, somehow remembers that she never sees me even though I like 1/4 mile away. And she's right. I never go see her. My lawn? It's a disgrace. Since moving in 3 years ago, I've ruined it. And this house too. My furniture is all dug up by cats and the carpet is saturated in dog pee bacause the dog is old and dying and I don't have it in me to put her to sleep. The walls are all gouged by that scooter and it's not half as nice as it was when I moved in. My car's always a mess, I don't change the oil and get tune ups and my garage is a mess too. I mostly feed my kids meals from restraunts because by the time I get home from work I am tired, and there is homework and baths, and bedtime in 3.5 hours. I know I should have my tv and internet turned off, but I don't. I only want to sleep. I prepare my primary lesson 30 minutes before I leave he house on Sunday and I never do anything special. I've gone visiting teaching once. I hardly take my kids on walks or play outside even though they ask all the time. I yell at my husband and call him names in front of them and they cry. I don't read with my son consistantly and his reading doesn't improve. I never listen to my daughter play her piano. Shouldn't I feel more joy in my children? I don't wash my contacts or brush my teeth as often as I should. I don't take my blood pressure meds half of the time and I NEVER do anything but pull my hair into a ponytail. I am overweight and now so is my child. I should have done better by her. I was diagnosed with this horrible liver disease and have I made any changes to make the eventual transplant I'll need go smoother? No. I feel devastated, by that diagnosis, but nobody really gets it. My sister in law is crazy and hates me and does everything she can to make my life harder. My mom is in kidney failure and my dad had a heart attack and open heart surgery this year. I rarely do service for others. My kids don't want to go to scouts or activity days and I don't make them. I just declared bankruptcy because of medical bills from 6 years ago. I felt so ashamed. I can't remember the last time I read my scriptures. All I ever really want to do is go to sleep. When my daughter insists we have family prayer at night I never want to say it and I never want to do it, even though I do. I am in a cycle of destruction with my loser of a husband and I don't have the strength or guts to break it. It effects my kids, my home, everything and I don't do anything to change it. I don't answer my phone or my door. I avoid talking to people at church, and at work. I don't even have real dishes and glasses and silverware. I have bought them lots of times, I don't know where they go. I use paper and I don't recycle. I don't pay my tithing and I judge everyone I see. I hate pretty much everyone. I don't deep clean and even though I try to clean every Saurday, my house is not very clean. I don't pull weeds and it's ruined much of my landscaping. I don't even put clothes in closets or drawers, I just fold it into individual piles on the big table downstairs. I am ashamed to have anyone over and I am embarrassed of my usually toothless husband who usually has a dirty shirt on. I have to ask him to bathe and even though I beg, he refuses to us the restroom, instead he uses cups by the bed. He won't stop eating in my room and I can't sleep in my sheets after a few days because there are crumbs and junk. I don't know how to make any of that stop. I've cried and begged and screamed, but he doesn't stop. I assume it's because he doesn't care about what I think/ feel. My son can't tie his shoes even though he's 9 and my daughter doesn't have any friends. I feel like I really do try, I wake up at 7 and go to bed at 11, but it's never enough. I feel like I'm in it alone. My intentions, energy, and desire are never enough. Nobody that I'm in charge of gets what they deserve, good or bad. I'm so tired.

It's like breastmilk...

Someone once said to me:

You are so strong!  Did you know you were strong enough to handle this?

And I said:

Strength is kind of like breastmilk.  As your baby gets older, your body just makes more.  As your trials get harder, you're just given more to work with.

And then he looked at me weird.

Because it was my brother in law.

In the system

Now that my husband is in the system and knee deep in the drug court program, I have found something that was incredibly lacking before.

Peace.

In all the years that he's been an addict, I was very afraid of him getting in legal trouble.  Jail?  He couldn't handle it.  Surely it wouldn't get to that point.  We're not like the people in JAIL.   He's not the tattooed loser on the corner buying street drugs.  He didn't get into this mess because he wanted to party. What would everyone think?

Then it did.  And something unexpected happened.

He was accountable to a judge who decides how his "mess ups" will be handled. 

I find myself off the hook.  See, before now, it was my JOB to find out what he was doing, bust him, and then punish him.  I was his mother, his warden, his babysitter.  And being those things put me on a dramatic roller coaster of emotion.  Shock and embarrassment if I suspected something and called pharmacies and doctors offices. Then anger when I busted him.  Often I wanted to punish him in a way that would hurt him as much as his actions have been hurting me.  Eventually, it would blow over, because who can live in that state forever?  And we would do it all again.  And again.

Not anymore.

I don't care what he does, because if he is messing up, the judge will find out.

And I don't care what he has, because if he's using, it will show up on the UA.

And I don't have to punish him, because he's accountable to the judge, and if the Judge throws him back in jail for a few days?  That's on HIM.  Not me.  His actions= His consequences.

I'm out.

And out is a good place to be.

Anger

Today I am angry.

Very angry...and at an assortment of issues.

A month ago my husband was arrested for Dr. shopping.  That was fun.  Especially when the cops came to the house on a Sunday night and handcuffed him.  I wasn't mad about that.  In fact I had a deep sense of justice.  He deserved it.  He suffers very few consequences.  He had it coming to him.  And if you know me at all (which you don't because we're strangers!) you would know that I kind of like it when people get what they have coming to them. 

That will come in handy later.  See, they let him out after 2 weeks to do drug court.  But he's still using.  I have come to a deep understanding that there is nothing I can do.  Greg will do what he's going to do.  I can't make good choices for him.  I can't stop him from using.  All I know is that Heavenly Father has a plan for him.  And whatever that plan is, it will be.  I have faith in my Heavenly Father, and I know he loves me and will help me.  And that's that. 

Well, it's not that cut and dry and we all know it.  Because even though he's still using, he's not using as much.  And he's not always using and making trouble. At times he helps me with the kids, the house, and the laundry.  He's can be kind and concerned.  Despite all the hateful words I've spewed at him, he's never raised his voice to me or called me a name.  It's so complicated.

Want to know what makes it even MORE complicated?  I have had Crohns for 13 years.  It's not really a problem, but during some routine testing they discovered that I have a liver disease called PSC.  It's autoimmune, progressive, and there's no treatment.  In about 10 years I'll need a transplant.  This has shaken me a bit.  I know I can handle it.  Remember all the faith in the plan I talked about at the top?  But that doesn't mean I haven't had to deal with it. 

I kind of did a grief thing.  I was sad and cried, and then I was PISSED.  I thought:

Haven't I done ENOUGH?  I was so sick the first year we were married.  I had major, major surgery and a horrible recovery.  Greg's had 37 surgeries in 13 years.  Brain tumors, amputations, unemployment, infertility, foreclosures, etc.  ENOUGH!!!!

Not that it was too much for me to take.  I didn't feel that way, because being on the other side of that list has made me incredibly strong.  Honestly, I can do anything.  BUT WHY DO I HAVE TO?

I know so many people who seem to walk rose petal paths.  And sometimes I feel like I am dog-paddling through the sewer.  Greg has a brother who we are pretty close to.  Never had a problem.  Everything is just rosy.  AND IT MAKES ME IRRATE!  Not that I want bad things to happen to them, because I don't.  I just want bad things to stop happening to me!

Which brings up a new question.  When I start to get sick, and when I get really sick before they will transplant me, WHO will take care of me?  Who will make sure everything is done and not steal my pain meds?

Who?

Because the bottom line is this...

I don't trust my husband.  Not one bit.

And that makes me angry.