Oh the humiliation!

Do you know what I am talking about?

The humiliation that a self centered addict can cause.  Especially when you feel responsible for that person.  Kind of like you are the mother instead of the wife? 

Yeah?

Once, 6 or 7 years ago, we were in a restaurant with my mother in law and her husband.  (I know, that's a doozy of a start....heaven help me.)  My husband was high out of his mind.  So much so, that the waiter was concerned he was having a stroke.

My husband, through slurred, stumbling speech, came up with an excuse.  What, do you wonder was the excuse?  A sinus infection.  I about died.

Is it just me, or does your loved one choose the most inopportune times to have a little vacation from reality?  Like at your parents house. 

Have you ever been talked into going to the ER?  Only to have everyone look at you like you are an enabler?  Or worse?  Have you screamed in a blind fury "I will never take you to the ER again!"

I did.

Today.

A book

Now, before you get all excited and defensive, let me tell you a story.

A few years ago, life was really bad. I cried myself to work and back each day. I kicked my husband out of the house for a time, and I thought every day about leaving him. It was a dark time. I was up against a wall so I called his brothers. They happened to be mostly all together at a family function and I asked for help. I was told to take him to a homeless shelter.

I was angry. I realize that they were ill-equipped to help me. I love my brother in laws and I know that they would do anything for me. Now. Then, I wasn't so sure. Anyway, back to the story. I was angry. A day later when two returned to Utah they asked to see me. They had bought me some help.

A book.

I was furious. I didn't need a BOOK. I already knew everything I ever wanted to know about addiction and then some. I didn't want a BOOK, with someone's preachy advise. Even the title made me want to puke. Hold on to Hope. GAG. And why would they give it to ME? I'm not the one with the problem!!! I looked at these two men, towering above me, and I told them where to go. I feel badly about it now, but I wish I would have taken a picture of their faces. Total shock and awe. I stormed off totally forgetting that I was still holding the book. I got in my van and started to drive away as they stood on the front lawn looking at me. I stopped the van, rolled down the window and the threw the book in the street. Then I drove off. It was all very dramatic.

I was shaking and crying with fury. I pulled over a block away and just sat for a minute. Then I did something totally uncharacteristic of my stubborn self.

I drove back.

And I picked it up.

I won't lie to you and say that as I read it, I felt a miraculous change. Life wasn't a piece of cake with sprinkles on top after that night. It was still unbelievably hard.

So if you feel open to it, I suggest reading it. I read the entire thing during my graveyard shift that night.

It's not a cure for addiction. It's not an explanation of the whys. It's not a miracle all bound up and sold at Deseret Book.

But....it helped.

Wow, it's been awhile.

I've decided to start this blog up again.

I'll tell you why.

I looked at the hit counter.

So I guess all of those nights when we are crying in desperation in our beds, feeling so alone, we shouldn't. We are not alone. There are a ton of us out there! Or so my hit counter eludes...


So where is my family over a year later? Well....ya know. We are still trying. My husband didn't end up losing his leg in 2009. He lost only half of his foot. The man has no toes now. My jokes are many and funny, I promise!

He started Suboxone. It's been interesting. Besides all of his teeth rotting out of his head (add that to the humiliation list) it's definitely had it's ups and downs. His use of narcotics is nearly extinct, but he finds other things to abuse every now and again. Stupid things. Things like Lyrica, and Benadryl, and sleeping meds. Not everyday, but he does relapse.

Relapse. I think I am getting to know relapse better. I am not struck so dumb by it anymore. I have more control and often can put it into perspective easier....and faster. A therapist once told me that recovery is impossible without relapse. Knowing that has brought me a lot of comfort.

A husband high out of his mind is not the everyday problem anymore.

It's hard for me to write this, but I think that sometimes, when you have been abusing drugs for long enough, it opens the door to mental illness. I think my husband is significantly depressed. He's on meds....more meds!!! But I think it may be more than that. He's lost all confidence, especially in social situations. We are active again in church after a year break. It stresses him to the max to attend Elder's Quorum. And he has problems with anxiety. Although....I don't know if he's feeling anxiety or just wants me to THINK he is so he can have anxiety meds. Which he can't.

I know that achievement brings confidence, but I am at a loss as to what to do with a 7 foot tall amputee with no teeth.

:) Sometimes you just have to laugh.