"Is the grass greener?" It asked.
I laid in bed and thought about that.
It is for sure greener. But it's not perfect either.
Greg moved out two years ago. He currently lives in a nursing home. He is taken care of and his needs are met which is a huge relief to me. He is not homeless or in prison. However the pathetic-ness of his situation still breaks my heart. We text and talk. I visit every once in awhile. I still love him. He still loves me. I think that almost makes it harder.
He's still vacant. He doesn't have much to do with our children, although our 14 year old got a cell phone for Christmas and he has taken to texting her. I'm teaching her to set her own limits with her dad and to do it prayerfully.
I've realized how much I was holding back in my life, living with an addict. We went through a period of inactivity at church, but more than that, I stepped out of a social life. I let friends drift away, I didn't invite anyone over or attend anything extra. Since Greg left, I've gone back to visit those things. Friends come for the weekend, I host book club, and girls night out. I am active again with callings that keep me busy. It feels nice.
The main improvement has been the temperament of our home. I felt as though I was on a roller coaster for many years. We would be happy and good and then I would find out about something he had done and I would be FURIOUS. I would scream and yell, my kids would be afraid. I would "punish" Greg. I would go through periods of sadness and cry in the shower everyday. It was a horrible cycle that we couldn't get out of. I'm not a yell-er by nature and now I honestly can't remember the last time I yelled. I am happy, calm, joyful, and at peace. My kids are flourishing, and my home has a sweet spirit. It's once again a haven.
Life now isn't all green grass though. It never is. To expect that is naive and asking for disappointment. Being a single mom is sometimes sad and lonely. I have my moments. There was definitely a grieving process that accompanied my divorce. There are nights when the shoulda/coulda/woulda's plague me. Sometimes it stings to see anniversaries and gushy posts on social media. We need new family pictures, but this will be the first time without Greg and I can't really face it quite yet. I had surgery a few months ago, and I longed for the comfort my husband gave me. When tragedy struck my extended family in March, I found myself driving to the nursing home and crawling in bed with Greg to sob. It can be hard. But we have a lot of experience doing hard things, right?
The bottom line is this. There is good and bad in EVERYTHING. Everything. To constantly look for the bad is to sentence yourself to gloom. Embrace to good. Search for it. It's there. Perhaps divorce is the answer in your situation. Perhaps it's not. Either way, there is happiness to be had. There is always pockets of peace if you know where to look.
My heart breaks for everyone who leaves comments and reaches out to me on this blog. I know your pain and suffering. I also know that the only thing you can really count on is change. Trials don't last forever. Look ahead for better days. Even when you look at your life and cannot fathom how anything could ever be different, trust me, it will be. Keep your chin up, and never stop moving forward.
