My world in the dark.

I feel defeated. Like no matter what I do or how hard I try to be everything and do enough, I never quite make it. I am only capable of good enough. Do I work? Yeah, full time, but I don't do it as well as my mom did, and I make mistakes and my heart really isn't in it. Do I mother my kids? Yeah, but I don't play with them and I don't want to bother with them more often than I even want to admit. Am I a good daughter/ granddaughter? I love my parents and I see them often, but I don't HELP them, and my grandma who can't remember my name because she has dementia, somehow remembers that she never sees me even though I like 1/4 mile away. And she's right. I never go see her. My lawn? It's a disgrace. Since moving in 3 years ago, I've ruined it. And this house too. My furniture is all dug up by cats and the carpet is saturated in dog pee bacause the dog is old and dying and I don't have it in me to put her to sleep. The walls are all gouged by that scooter and it's not half as nice as it was when I moved in. My car's always a mess, I don't change the oil and get tune ups and my garage is a mess too. I mostly feed my kids meals from restraunts because by the time I get home from work I am tired, and there is homework and baths, and bedtime in 3.5 hours. I know I should have my tv and internet turned off, but I don't. I only want to sleep. I prepare my primary lesson 30 minutes before I leave he house on Sunday and I never do anything special. I've gone visiting teaching once. I hardly take my kids on walks or play outside even though they ask all the time. I yell at my husband and call him names in front of them and they cry. I don't read with my son consistantly and his reading doesn't improve. I never listen to my daughter play her piano. Shouldn't I feel more joy in my children? I don't wash my contacts or brush my teeth as often as I should. I don't take my blood pressure meds half of the time and I NEVER do anything but pull my hair into a ponytail. I am overweight and now so is my child. I should have done better by her. I was diagnosed with this horrible liver disease and have I made any changes to make the eventual transplant I'll need go smoother? No. I feel devastated, by that diagnosis, but nobody really gets it. My sister in law is crazy and hates me and does everything she can to make my life harder. My mom is in kidney failure and my dad had a heart attack and open heart surgery this year. I rarely do service for others. My kids don't want to go to scouts or activity days and I don't make them. I just declared bankruptcy because of medical bills from 6 years ago. I felt so ashamed. I can't remember the last time I read my scriptures. All I ever really want to do is go to sleep. When my daughter insists we have family prayer at night I never want to say it and I never want to do it, even though I do. I am in a cycle of destruction with my loser of a husband and I don't have the strength or guts to break it. It effects my kids, my home, everything and I don't do anything to change it. I don't answer my phone or my door. I avoid talking to people at church, and at work. I don't even have real dishes and glasses and silverware. I have bought them lots of times, I don't know where they go. I use paper and I don't recycle. I don't pay my tithing and I judge everyone I see. I hate pretty much everyone. I don't deep clean and even though I try to clean every Saurday, my house is not very clean. I don't pull weeds and it's ruined much of my landscaping. I don't even put clothes in closets or drawers, I just fold it into individual piles on the big table downstairs. I am ashamed to have anyone over and I am embarrassed of my usually toothless husband who usually has a dirty shirt on. I have to ask him to bathe and even though I beg, he refuses to us the restroom, instead he uses cups by the bed. He won't stop eating in my room and I can't sleep in my sheets after a few days because there are crumbs and junk. I don't know how to make any of that stop. I've cried and begged and screamed, but he doesn't stop. I assume it's because he doesn't care about what I think/ feel. My son can't tie his shoes even though he's 9 and my daughter doesn't have any friends. I feel like I really do try, I wake up at 7 and go to bed at 11, but it's never enough. I feel like I'm in it alone. My intentions, energy, and desire are never enough. Nobody that I'm in charge of gets what they deserve, good or bad. I'm so tired.