If nothing else, I am for sure broken hearted. I kicked my husband out today. I have begun to make arrangements to live as a single mother. So many things about this decision bring me hope. And relief. I cannot physically do everything there is to do. I work full time and I cannot work outside the home, meals, laundry, homework, cleaning, etc. I am worn out. If he were gone it would cut my work load in half. Everything he touches breaks and he is constantly spilling, dropping things, and cannot put anything away. I feel like I am his maid. Another big thing in this corner is that the effects of living with a drug addict are taking their toll on my children. They are confused about lying. Is it okay? Is it not? There is a bit of fascination about medicines. They are fearful of being left with him. And now scared of police from a traffic stop incident. When I am work, they aren't fed, they fend for themselves. He yells at them and they call me crying. Everyday for the last two weeks.
Also, and this is perhaps the second biggest reason I need to move on is the lying. I have been lied to, to my face, every day for the last 4 years. By the person who is supposed to love me the most. Who will insist on his love for me if you just ask him. He just doesn't show it. He lies, and he steals money from me. He makes up stories and tells half truths. I am constantly playing detective, and I never wanted another job.
But to walk away breaks my heart. And I wonder if I am strong enough to actually do it. Part of me is still so in love with the man I married and to walk away from the monster feels like giving up on him. I vowed to stay. I vowed to always be on his team and to always try. And now I want to walk away. And the thought of it brings actual pain to my chest. And tears to my eyes. I don't want to leave. I don't want to do it on my own. I don't want someone else. I want my husband. I desperately need him. My heart aches for him. But I can't find him. I've been looking really closely, and I can't see him in there anymore. I'm not sure if that means he's gone forever or not. What if I leave and he comes back? What if I stay and he doesn't? There are no right answers and I feel so alone. And yet it's my responsibility to make one. I just want to scream! I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I want ... I don't know. I am so lost and so alone I don't know anything anymore. I just ache.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Jenny,
Hang in there. If you are making the decisions with the Lords help everything will work out. I am praying for you and your husband...You can do this!
Love,
Jami
You are not alone. You have your children and you have those out here that are reading your blog. Just ask and I will do what I can even though I don't know you, I can certainly relate and understand. I am sending good thoughts your way for strength and peace.
Janice
I'm so sorry for all that you are going through, just keep praying that you will feel peace in your decisions. Heavenly Father knows where things are headed, we just have to trust in his decisions for us.
Jenny,
I just found your blog. I have been married
29 years fifteen to an addict. I understand.
I would like to comment further sometime. I am at work right now. I know the addiction recovery program through the LDS Church helps with feelings. I do feel like there needs to be more for the spouses of addicts. I like you have felt alot of pain. Sometimes the only one to turn to is our Savior. Good Luck in your decisions.
Jill
Reading that was almost like reading about my fiance and I... I love him so much I just don't know how much more my children and I can take. I have manic depression and mixed with his addiction, its getting to b way to much.. I'd be happy if I just had someone to talk and vent to!!!! We have been together for 4 years and that demon was woke up 2years ago.. I've never loved anyone so much or been hurt so badly in my life. I've cut off everyone and no one is left for me to talk to cuz he has had every bit of my focus. I'm 26 years old and I'm terrified that this might actually be the way I spend the rest of my life, but what scares me more is the addiction taking his.. I'd REALLY like to have someone to talk to, even just through email, I need support to support him.. selfish?? With both of our illnesses, one of us is going to crack and I think it might be me because I'm trying to take care of everyone else and everything else, I'm leaving myself out. cthrasher75@gmail.com is my email. I guess this is me reaching out for my rehab or support.... I thank you for your story. Was feeling extremely unloved but love isn't it at all... thank you
I'm sorry about my post I just wrote. I've NEVER done this before and didn't know what to write so I wrote what I felt.... I'm just desperate for friendship with someone experienced .. I've only dealt with Phillip the addict for 2 years.. I don't want to lose him for the obvious reason that I love him deeper than I knew I could love. Part of me is saying let him go, you can't save him but here in our home, I at least know he is safe.. I've never met an addict, let alone involved with one until I met him. I'm just at my wits end. I love him and I want MY phillip. and I'm rambling again. I am sorry again
Post a Comment