Anger

Today I am angry.

Very angry...and at an assortment of issues.

A month ago my husband was arrested for Dr. shopping.  That was fun.  Especially when the cops came to the house on a Sunday night and handcuffed him.  I wasn't mad about that.  In fact I had a deep sense of justice.  He deserved it.  He suffers very few consequences.  He had it coming to him.  And if you know me at all (which you don't because we're strangers!) you would know that I kind of like it when people get what they have coming to them. 

That will come in handy later.  See, they let him out after 2 weeks to do drug court.  But he's still using.  I have come to a deep understanding that there is nothing I can do.  Greg will do what he's going to do.  I can't make good choices for him.  I can't stop him from using.  All I know is that Heavenly Father has a plan for him.  And whatever that plan is, it will be.  I have faith in my Heavenly Father, and I know he loves me and will help me.  And that's that. 

Well, it's not that cut and dry and we all know it.  Because even though he's still using, he's not using as much.  And he's not always using and making trouble. At times he helps me with the kids, the house, and the laundry.  He's can be kind and concerned.  Despite all the hateful words I've spewed at him, he's never raised his voice to me or called me a name.  It's so complicated.

Want to know what makes it even MORE complicated?  I have had Crohns for 13 years.  It's not really a problem, but during some routine testing they discovered that I have a liver disease called PSC.  It's autoimmune, progressive, and there's no treatment.  In about 10 years I'll need a transplant.  This has shaken me a bit.  I know I can handle it.  Remember all the faith in the plan I talked about at the top?  But that doesn't mean I haven't had to deal with it. 

I kind of did a grief thing.  I was sad and cried, and then I was PISSED.  I thought:

Haven't I done ENOUGH?  I was so sick the first year we were married.  I had major, major surgery and a horrible recovery.  Greg's had 37 surgeries in 13 years.  Brain tumors, amputations, unemployment, infertility, foreclosures, etc.  ENOUGH!!!!

Not that it was too much for me to take.  I didn't feel that way, because being on the other side of that list has made me incredibly strong.  Honestly, I can do anything.  BUT WHY DO I HAVE TO?

I know so many people who seem to walk rose petal paths.  And sometimes I feel like I am dog-paddling through the sewer.  Greg has a brother who we are pretty close to.  Never had a problem.  Everything is just rosy.  AND IT MAKES ME IRRATE!  Not that I want bad things to happen to them, because I don't.  I just want bad things to stop happening to me!

Which brings up a new question.  When I start to get sick, and when I get really sick before they will transplant me, WHO will take care of me?  Who will make sure everything is done and not steal my pain meds?

Who?

Because the bottom line is this...

I don't trust my husband.  Not one bit.

And that makes me angry.