2 am reminder

I forget about this blog.  I go about my life and completely ignore it.  Then suddenly, at 2 am my phone buzzes.  I check it out and it's a comment on this blog and I think:

Oh yeah.

Then in the morning I scroll through this blog and because I can't remember anything, I re-read posts like I'm seeing them for the first time.  And I am shocked at what I have been willing to share.  I am also suddenly taken back to different times in my life and my emotional state.

The despair.  It breaks my heart.

I think as human beings we tend to push out the hard, terrible, horrible things in our memories.  We try to convince ourselves that "It wasn't that bad."  It's a coping mechanism.   Then if something reminds us, and we REALLY remember, it's like being dropped back into the middle of it.

Which is what happened to me this morning.  I read the post about my life in the dark.  I felt horrible.  I remember being so knocked down and depressed that I couldn't play with my kids, or brush my teeth.  That's depression.  And I remember crying everyday and saying "I am so sad."  I remember coming home to a trashed house because my husband wouldn't even clean up after himself.  It was horrible and I feel guilty for letting my children live through that with me.
 
Sometimes I think we don't really realize what our life looks like until you are in a different place.  I am in a different place and I am shocked at the pressure I lived under.

16 months ago, my husband was desperate to have surgery.  I told him to wait a week and he refused.  I ended up telling him that if he did it, he couldn't come home to recover.  The next morning he hitchhiked to the hospital.  Later that afternoon the recovery room nurses called me to let me know he was ready to come home.  I had to tell them that he didn't live with me.  My home is not his.  He ended up going to a nursing home and is still there.  I told him he could come home if he was clean for 6 months, he's never tried.  I filed for divorce 3 months ago.  It should be final in a few weeks.

It was hard.  It was sad and heartbreaking.  I cried and was angry.  I bargained myself almost into letting him come home.  I was afraid.  I kind of still am.  But I am something else too.

Peaceful.

Peace reins supreme in our home.  When I go home, there is joy and I enjoy the calm.  My children thrive in it.  We are happy.

As I read that post and everything wrong in my life I remember thinking "There is no way out of this.  I can't see any way that any of this can ever change."  That's despair.  But things do work out.  There is a plan for our lives and nothing ever stays the same.

We put our sweet dog to sleep in July and got new carpet.  My son couldn't read or tie his shoes because he is dyslexic and I didn't realize it.  He's been going to tutoring for over a year and last week at parent teacher conference his teacher slid his DIBELS test across the table to me.  He was at grade level.  First time....ever.  And I cried in his classroom.  My daughter is now a gorgeous 6'1" 8th grader with lots of friends, a 4.0, and plays on the basketball team.  I am in the Primary Presidency and get a lot of joy and fulfillment from that calling.  My son was just ordained a deacon and passed me the sacrament last week.  Now that my husband isn't stealing my money anymore, I suddenly have more and the kids and I  take a big vacation every summer.  We have family prayer and attend church.  We pay tithing and all have temple recommends.  Life is good.

Living under the umbrella of addiction is a hard thing.  And maybe divorce isn't the answer for you.  I will admit that I really wanted to be able to walk into the darkness, rescue my husband, and bring him back to us.  I wanted our love story to continue.  I still love him very much.  But being out from underneath of addiction for a period of time reminded me of who I am.  The person I am because of the trials I have had.  I am a strong capable person.  If you are reading this and you are where I was, you are a strong capable person too.

Things will work out.
Go forward with faith
Your life has a plan and a purpose.

They are LDS cliche, and they are all true.