In the system

Now that my husband is in the system and knee deep in the drug court program, I have found something that was incredibly lacking before.

Peace.

In all the years that he's been an addict, I was very afraid of him getting in legal trouble.  Jail?  He couldn't handle it.  Surely it wouldn't get to that point.  We're not like the people in JAIL.   He's not the tattooed loser on the corner buying street drugs.  He didn't get into this mess because he wanted to party. What would everyone think?

Then it did.  And something unexpected happened.

He was accountable to a judge who decides how his "mess ups" will be handled. 

I find myself off the hook.  See, before now, it was my JOB to find out what he was doing, bust him, and then punish him.  I was his mother, his warden, his babysitter.  And being those things put me on a dramatic roller coaster of emotion.  Shock and embarrassment if I suspected something and called pharmacies and doctors offices. Then anger when I busted him.  Often I wanted to punish him in a way that would hurt him as much as his actions have been hurting me.  Eventually, it would blow over, because who can live in that state forever?  And we would do it all again.  And again.

Not anymore.

I don't care what he does, because if he is messing up, the judge will find out.

And I don't care what he has, because if he's using, it will show up on the UA.

And I don't have to punish him, because he's accountable to the judge, and if the Judge throws him back in jail for a few days?  That's on HIM.  Not me.  His actions= His consequences.

I'm out.

And out is a good place to be.