To leave or not to leave....that is the question.

Would you like to hear a story?  Yes?  Sit down and have a cookie.

One weekend in 2004 my husband said to me:

My head hurts really bad.  I need some medicine.

And then I laughed at him.  Of course he thinks he needs medicine, and an ailment that I can see or confirm?  His favorite kind.  So, naturally, I ignored him.

He asked me to call the doctor on call.  I refused.  Finally, late the next day I did call.  Our doctor was not on call and I talked to another man who was annoyed that I bothered him on the weekend about a HEADACHE.  He told me in utter sarcasm...

Ma'am...it's either a migraine, which I can do nothing about, or its a BRAIN TUMOR.

I felt so stupid.  I know better than to call doctors with stupid questions.  I shouldn't let my husbands addiction mess with my reasoning.

So instead of listening to him complain, I went to a movie with my friend.

When I returned he sat up in bed, pointed to a large lump above his left eyebrow and said:

What do you think this is?

I took him to the ER.  Even with the bump, I was not overly eager.  I had been humiliated in ER's before, you see....and I am a quick learner.  PLUS I had already been made to feel stupid about this headache once that weekend by the on call Dr.

As we drove to the hospital in American Fork, I spewed out vile threats to my husband who sat vomiting next to me. 

"If you are making this up, and I am embarrassed AGAIN, I will leave your sorry *butt* at the hospital."

"I promise you, with everything inside of me, that if we are going to the hospital to get drugs because you are going through WITHDRAWL, I will leave you.   For good.   Forever."

"I can't believe I am doing this.  They are going to look up your record and see that you are a pathetic addict and I am your pathetic wife.  Want to know why I am pathetic?  BECAUSE I'M TAKING YOU TO THE ER AND I SHOULD KNOW BETTER!"

We got there and they began a migraine treatment.  He puked...they turned off the lights.  The bump was actually a muscle spasm from his brow wrinkling in pain.   I sat and waited.  After a few hours it was obvious that the treatment wasn't making any difference.  So they called the MRI lady out of bed (it was probably 1 am) to come and do an MRI.

And you know what's coming.  

Wait for it.....

It was a brain tumor.

A Pituitary Tumor that was hemorrhaging, to be exact.

The ER doctor came out and said to me:

"Mrs. Garrett, we do not have a neurosurgeon at this hospital.  He needs to be seen in Provo.  Unfortunately, we don't have an ambulance available at the moment so we are going to allow you to drive him there.  If he loses consciousness, or begins to seize, just keep going.  They are waiting for you on the other end."

As we drove to the hospital in Provo, I spewed out vile threats to my husband who sat vomiting next to me. 

"Don't you DARE die on me.  Don't even think about leaving me NOW.  We have two little kids and I can't do this without you!"

"If you leave me alone for this life, I will kick your butt when I get to the other side....you HAVE to choose me.  DON'T LEAVE ME!"

They were indeed waiting for us on the other side of that car ride.  And he had surgery to remove the tumor and slurp out the hemorrhage.  I sat by him in the ICU and had "words" with his nurse who was disgusted that he was an addict and procrastinated his scheduled pain meds.

The point of this story is this:

No matter how bad it gets.  No matter how much I WANT to give up on him and walk away.  No matter how hurt and tired I am, I cannot give up completely.  My husband left in February and came back to the state 3 weeks ago.  Next week he is entering a 5 month addiction treatment center.  Have I filed for divorce?  No.  Am I stupid for not doing so?  Maybe.

All I know for sure is this:  my fortune cookie from Panda today said-  IF YOU HAVE HOPE, YOU HAVE EVERYTHING

I'm going with it.